If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
The pint’s the limit.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”