Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.