I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.