A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
The sun is just a big space heater.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
That’s a bit mulch.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.