What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Reading is a novel idea.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.