How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
As it snow happens.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.