Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.

The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.

"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."

What do ghouls drink?
Boos!

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!

What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.

Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.

“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray

Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.

Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.

I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.

What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.

What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.

Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.

The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.

Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."

Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.

Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.

Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks

I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.

"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman

If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson

What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.

"Aloe you vera much."

I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"

If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!

“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”

Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.

If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?

"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."

- Ralphie May

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome

What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.

You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.

Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?

On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson

What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.

Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.

What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement

“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”