Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I really caribou-t you.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Case in punt
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
I think you're barbe-cute.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”