You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Do you squat here often?
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)