Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
I like you a latte.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
It takes one to snow one.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.