“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Lettuce go on a long drive.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
You’re my heartthrob.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!