My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!

What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!

Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.

What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”

Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.

An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.

My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.

“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets

What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.

What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.

“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”

Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!

What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.

How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.

Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak.

I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright

What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.

What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.

“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace

How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.

Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.

I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter

Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.

What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.

What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.

The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.

“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”

Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.

3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!

What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet

Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.

I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.

What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry

What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.