Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
Would you like to share fire with me?
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
I whale always love you.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.