Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.

What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.

Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?

How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"

Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

How was Heaven when you left it?

Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.

What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.

What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"

What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.

Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown

Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.

What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.

Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."

What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.

My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.

My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.

I love you from my head tomato

Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.

What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.

My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!

I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...

Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.

I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

"You can't sip with us."

How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.

What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!