When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.

What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch

What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.

Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope

Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.

What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.

“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.

Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.

I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.

Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.

What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.

I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.

Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!

Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?

“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown

I sulfur when you argon.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain

What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!

My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!

What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.

How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.

Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.

Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.

Fairies just wand to have fun.

Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.

Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.

What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!

Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.

Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.

What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!

I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!

What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.

Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.