“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
I want you. I knead you.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.