The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.