"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
I whale-y like you.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.