Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
He threw three free throws.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.