Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
God was just showing off when he made you.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.