"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.