George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Don't even chai.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.