I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.

There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White

The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.

What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.

I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?

What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.

Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal

What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.

What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur

Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.

What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.

Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!

We were all sturtled by the incoming news.

What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!

What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

A Bee?

A bee who?

A beaver is building a dam on the river.

Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!

The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.

Long time no sea.

As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"

I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.

Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.

Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?

Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.

Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.

Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.

Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.

“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous

“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown

Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!

“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”

- Delia Ephron

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.