The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
My weekend is fully booked.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan