What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
This summer is going swimmingly.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.