Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.