What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!