Some people like to play croc-quet.

*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”

Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.

What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.

Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.

Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!

I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.

I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe

What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx

What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light

What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!

Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.

Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.

I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.

What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.

I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.

After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.

Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?

What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.

Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.

What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.

Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.

I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.

Got plans for leftovers, yet?

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.

If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.

You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.

What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.

If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!

How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.

Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.

I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.

“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”

What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”

Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.

Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.