What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Believe in your elf.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
You’re my pot of gold.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!