Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
I beg your garden?
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.