I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Baby, you rock my world!
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.