Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
I know the difference between "less" and "fewer," but don't worry, you won't have to ask me for either of them.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
when I’m with you.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
"Dying to have fun."