King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.