Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
We’re calling your number.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.