After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
How rude-olf of you.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.