I like you sow much.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
"Time wounds all heels."
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Long thyme no see.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!