I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.

Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.

Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.

What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.

Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!

What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.

I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.

A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!

I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.

Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.

I now believe in Angels.

Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!

"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”

- Robert Fros

"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown

What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.

Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.

A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.

Can I hold your hand?

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis

What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!

You’re wine in a million.

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.

If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..

My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

She sells seashells by the seashore.

"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.

Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.

What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.