What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.

I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.

Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?

The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.

Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.

Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.

You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.

What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld

“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes

"You're the wine that I want."

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!

Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.

When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.

Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!

Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...

How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.

The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.

Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.

I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.

What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.

Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.

Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.

“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous

"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar

What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!

“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”

– Deirdre Sullivan

My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason

“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous

"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.

How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.

How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.

What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.

Can I buy you an Easter Egg?

Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.