I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!