Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
I’ll never leaf you.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
It was mitten in the stars.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Your pace or mine?
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!