Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Keep calm and leprech-on.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
These book puns have tickled your spine.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Can we still share a netflix account?
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.