Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
You’re wine in a million.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"That's all, yolks."
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous