How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
I only have ice for you!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
Witch you were here.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.