I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.