You’re udder-ly perfect.

Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.

“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”

Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.

Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.

How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.

I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.

Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.

What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.

Want to see the real coming attraction?

Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.

"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!

What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!

You’re sleigh-in’ it.

“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.

What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.

What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!

What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.

Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?

What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.

What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.

My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.

Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.

If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.

Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?

Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference

What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.

"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."

What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.

Vampires can always Count on Dracula.

Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.

What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.

Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.

Football is one habit I will never kick.

“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”

- Hazel Nicholson.

It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.

These book puns have tickled your spine.

I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.

Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!