Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.