What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."