Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.