I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Someone said you were looking for me.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Wanna churn butter with me?
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell