What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Do you like free samples?
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.