SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.